did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
69 |D_O
wtf does that mean??
it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
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