On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
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i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
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