Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Fuck appropriateness.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Randomize
