I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
wow bdsm is so cute
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
