So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
where are you?
Hypothermia
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
