Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
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you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
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