i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
