Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Randomize
