My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
this hospital has no fireball
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize
