I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
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I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
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You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
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