My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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