Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Randomize
