Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
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