grandma shit on top of the toilet
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
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