That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
