Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
