The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
