I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
