Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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