I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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