You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
