So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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