ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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