I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?