She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Keanu Reeves Photobombed A Couple’s Wedding Photos As A Perfect Gift
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
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Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella