I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
the condom got lost in my hair
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
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