if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
