filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Randomize
