put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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