please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
