I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
