This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
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