i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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