I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
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We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I just found puke in my bra..
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
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sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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