Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
