I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
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my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
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The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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