there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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