I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
10+ Incredible Tumblr Stories That Will Leave You Shook
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
16 People Who Have Raised The Bar For Petty Revenge
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...