Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.