Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
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