i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
