remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
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