gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
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