I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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