I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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