Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
