M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
