remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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