it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
