Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
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