Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
