she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Randomize
