Don't make out with my wife yet
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Randomize
