i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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