I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
