The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
My liver just had a heart attack.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
