it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize