Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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