he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
