She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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